Liberal Arts Colleges

There must be a temptation for famous actors to believe their own press and start to think they really can be successful at anything as long as they put their mind to it. This mix of gumption and delusion has led to some truly awful artistic endeavors, though, especially when it comes to screen actors trying their hand at making music. Sure, some are able to make the jump: Zooey Deschanel’s band She & Him is proof that it’s possible to be talented in multiple arts. Unfortunately, the majority of actors who try their hand at music wind up embarrassing themselves. Let this list serve as a warning to all stars: be grateful for what you have. Don’t push your luck.

1. Bruce Willis: Bruce Willis helped define cool in the 1980s, thanks to “Moonlighting” and Die Hard. But his foray into classic R&B on his debut album, The Return of Bruno, was an uncomfortable vanity project that never caught on with the public the way his movies and TV series did. The lead single, a cover of the Staple Singers tune “Respect Yourself,” made it to No. 5 on the Billboard Hot 100, but that’s the best luck he would have. The video is, predictably, an exercise in discomfort.
2. Don Johnson: Not content with being the man responsible for making a nation wear pastel shirts under rolled-up suit jackets, Don Johnson turned his attention to pop music, releasing a pair of albums in the 1980s, Heartbeat and Let It Roll. (These were followed by 1997’s ill-named The Essential and Tell It Like It Is.) Johnson seems to be an affable fellow, and “Miami Vice” made him a superstar with a career that’s lasted decades, but his pop music is just unlistenable dreck. Even the hype-fueled success of the single “Heartbeat,” which made it to No. 5 on the Billboard Hot 100, wasn’t enough to make his records anything other than sad diversions from a screen career.
3. Eddie Murphy: Eddie Murphy was one of the funniest actors of the 1980s, period. Hands down. No debate. Sadly, his recording career came off as unintentionally funny thanks to his bizarre earnestness, the curious presence of Rick James, and the unavoidably terrible songs. His first single, “Party All the Time,” is one of those disposable tunes that shouldn’t be sung by anyone with talent, and his later duet with Michael Jackson, “Whatzupwitu,” is something we all wish we could forget.
4. Russell Crowe: Russell Crowe is best known for brooding on screen and punching inanimate objects off screen, but he’s also got a questionable musical past. As the lead vocalist and guitarist for 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, he gets to rock out to his heart’s content, but it’s impossible to look past the fact that (a) Russell Crowe is singing to you and (b) he’s not that great. The music is pretty mediocre post-grunge, and the only reason the band is even marginally famous is because their frontman would go on to win an Oscar.
5. Keanu Reeves: Poor, sad Keanu. He wants respect, and he’s a nice guy, but he’s forever doomed to live down the braindead persona of Ted “Theodore” Logan. In the 1990s, he played bass for Dogstar, a rock band cut from the same hilariously overwrought cloth as 30 Odd Foot of Grunts. It’s another instance of a mediocre band making good on the extracurricular activities of its movie star member. Interesting trivia: Weezer’s first gig was opening for Dogstar.
6. Lindsay Lohan: After singing in some of her movies, Lindsay Lohan decided to start releasing albums. Her 2004 debut, Speak, was followed by 2005’s A Little More Personal (Raw), and while both achieved some chart success, they were met with at best mixed reviews. The albums are designed to ride the coattails of forerunners like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, with matching amounts of over-production and insubstantiality.
7. Heidi Montag: Heidi Montag’s recording skills make Lindsay Lohan look like The Beatles. After rising to questionable fame on MTV reality series “The Hills,” Montag became a poster child for excessive plastic surgery and meritless celebrity. In January 2010, she released Superficial, a pop album whose low quality didn’t do her career any favors. It wasn’t well received by the public or the press. She continues to release singles like “Higher” with boyfriend Spencer Pratt behind the camera.
8. Steven Seagal: Yes, Steven Seagal dabbles in music as well as martial arts and bad acting. Despite the legitimate awesomeness of Under Siege, Seagal has taken fire for his musical endeavors, and when you hear them, you’ll understand why. His 2005 album Songs From the Crystal Cave is a weird mix of world and country music, and it didn’t fare well with listeners. Even die-hard Seagal fans (of which there are literally tens) aren’t into his music.

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9. Paris Hilton: Hotel heiress and professional lazy person Paris Hilton created a record label to release her 2006 album Paris, which consists of the same generic dance pop you’ve been hearing for years now. Politely put, it was not embraced by listeners. She hasn’t put out another one since; keep your fingers crossed that it stays that way.
10. Jennifer Love Hewitt: Jennifer Love Hewitt has been releasing albums for longer than you might think: her debut, 1992’s Love Songs, came out in Japan the year she turned 13. But it’s 1996’s Jennifer Love Hewitt and 2002’s BareNaked that cemented her status as a middling vocalist with songs that sounded like knock-offs of Cheryl Crow and Meredith Brooks. (Brooks, not coincidentally, produced the 2002 record.) Her records are proof that she should, for now, stick to acting.

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